When we started Merlot Embargo, Scarlet quit her job, and we figured she'd run the band full time, as we were about to embark on a new and surely lucrative career as indie musicians. We were ready to give it a real go, write and record music, get ourselves out there on the local circuit, maybe do some short tours, and try to make a name for ourselves.
A month later, we found that she was pregnant with our daughter Joanna.
There are a lot of people in the music industry that tell you you need to devote yourself 100% to music. Kids, day jobs, etc are not recommended if you want to "succeed." There's just too much hustling to do as an unknown indie artist to have time for kids. Day jobs, with their comfortable safety net, take your focus away from the music and steal your drive. If you survey the landscape of successful commercial artists, it seems like a good majority of them don't have their children until after they've hit a successful stride, and can either ride on their success, and/or hire people to take care of all the drudgery and minutiae it takes to be a successful artist.
The reality is that there are so many talented artists and bands, with or without kids and day jobs, who have great music and great messages, who grind and hustle and network way harder than we even imagine, who still won't be "successful." It's seems unfair. If anyone deserves "success," it's the folks who have the talent and put in the work. Despite this, gurus, and people who have found monetary success in music will often tell us that our time will come, if only we keep at it. Statistics tell a different story.
Back to us. Had we decided to start a band together when we were ten years younger, we might have followed this don't-have-kids (yet) advice. But we didn't have that luxury; we were 32 and 37 when we started Merlot Embargo, we knew we both wanted kids, and time waits for no one. Neither of us were prepared to miss out on what we felt for ourselves to be one of life's greatest joys, so we forged ahead with children. And Merlot Embargo. And our day jobs. And our other music side hustles that had nothing to do with Merlot Embargo. Everything, everywhere, all at once.
Now, seven years later, here we are on the eve of the birth of our second child, without commercial success, record sales, tours, or any of the other things aspiring artists might wish for. There's a lyric in a Brandi Carlile song, The Mother, that, for us, encapsulates the sneaking envy of seeing other people accomplish what you feel you might not:
Outside of my windows are the mountains and the snow
I'll hold you while you're sleeping, and I wish that I could go
All my rowdy friends around, accomplishing their dreams
But I am the mother of Evangeline.
(If you don't know this song, stop reading right now and go listen to it.)
There's always a tinge (or more) of regret in every decision. Even the well-traveled, and (we think) ultimately worthwhile one to have children. Even when you love your kids more than yourself and would give up anything for them. You just don't know where the other path might have led.
But the thing is, that question is present with every decision. How many of our artist friends are out there wishing they did choose children? If we'd chosen not to have kids, would we regret that? How many people out there are wondering if they should have chosen a different career, or partner, or breakfast entrée?
We don't know the answer to these, but we'll continue to do the best we can with what we've got and with the decisions we've already made. We've made some music we're proud of, played a fair amount of fun shows, and created art that we hope makes people feel something. We'll keep doing it as much as we can, with our little family in tow sometimes. If that means we don't get the recognition or career some people think we deserve, then that's just a sacrifice we'll have to make.
Excuse us, we've got a new baby to welcome into the world ❤️
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